How's It Goin?

Hasn't life been going exceptionally well? The answer to the question is no. It ain't well at all. Maybe it is. Theredefinitely has been financial mobility. As compared to this time last year, I have an iPhone, an iPad Air, a smartwatch, two Alexa devices (all but the iPhone are gifts), a larger bank balance, some degree of social security; I am eating better quality food and think less before spending on overpriced stuff. When I think of buying clothes, I think more in terms of style and less in terms of price – price, really, has become secondary (at least in the initial part of the month) to needs, and needs are new and ever-increasing – unlike the past. I do not think in terms of “chalta hai”. Today, when I could not find a piece to write on, and I wanted handcrafted paper, I immediately decided to buy a new journal. I hope I am happier than I was – and I have much greater confidence (and I do not know if that stems from money or my position, and if it will still suffice and survive if I am shed of the police insignia, which is not even there yet).

A recollection of a thought here – maybe this is how every person in the nation should feel – a sense of security and a degree of honour and dignity. With the promise of money and the status of support from the police, I can say that life is so much better. On the other hand, for the people, dignity is a dish not fully tasted (and a small, lively image of a relative comes to mind – of him sitting crouched on the floor, a gamchha round his neck and his hands over his head – why? in a police station?) Indeed, the function of the state is to provide the basic human need of dignity – and that comes not just from food and security, but the end to the struggle of the same – the continued promise of the same, as a service, and not as a transaction you receive from a huzoor.

Lately, I was wondering about how much my friends are earning. One of them has taken his family to Europe and another is planning to invest in the latest pro iPhone and yet another has already bought an SUV. One’s family plans to buy a big house soon and he is chipping his own part in. There definitely has been some fine financial mobility in the past few years. I do not see such a shift for the public servants (why do all the aspirants even want to join the service, I asked myself) – and was almost condemning this upcoming life when the past suddenly weighed on me.

Through all the shifts in life over the past months, one has been that towards privilege. With this has come a big degree of conservatism, of wanting to take a piece of everything for myself – almost as if wishing a proliferation of the Babu culture even before becoming a Babu myself. Think of the number of times I've tried to benefit from my position, and keeping in some measure with Kant, the many occasions when I intended to benefit from it. When someone behaved badly with me on the train or in any public place, I would feel like calling out my position – my power. I even thought of using my office to get me into a liquor store. I know people getting what some might call undue advantages in private transactions due to their position, and I’ve advised others to do so. And this is even before having any real authority. It is very worrying because the potential to cause big harm builds up from incremental overstepping. You are capable of big things only because you learned the smaller ones first. 

When do you get conscious of your own corruption? I have increasingly surrounded myself with people from the services, and have developed almost a paternalistic attitude towards all the others – it captures me when someone does not refer to me as sir. Power is gripping indeed. For the lower bureaucracy, the higher will be an example, a trendsetter. Moral bankruptcy of the higher bureaucracy is therefore even more dangerous.

The force underlining my efforts to join the service was in the serving. I had gone through a lot myself, seen a lot of degradation, done away with a lot of dignity – and all of this on multiple locations pushed me towards the preparation. There is no hero is am here, there is no greatness – it was simply anger and through a retrospective look, it might as well have been a desire to switch positions with those who were abusing their power. it seems now that all the ideals I had kept within – of giving back, of building back – have been belied, by me only. Possibly, I was always so weak, so gullible to the influences. 

So yesterday, when the question of being paid lesser flashed in front of me (and it was nothing but a desire for greater privilege, the greatest privilege), something said within me that your life has meaning, that there resides some momentous possibilities within this life. It was a re-collection of the past that I had left behind. It was also the examples of some colleagues who have left a lot behind in their will to serve. It was also the question as to how much you can allow your ego to build-up, how much you can allow a rendition of your worth in terms of comfort and money. One day, with enough money, you will rise up the pyramid of Maslow and there will come a rapping and there will come a tapping – for meaning – and it won’t be gentle.